


Jumping to Conclusions

by eaivalefay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Other, Parody, WIP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2007-01-19
Updated: 2007-01-19
Packaged: 2017-11-13 01:31:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/497937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eaivalefay/pseuds/eaivalefay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Albus Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confederation of Wizards), Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Defeater of Grindelwald, and overall genius, discovers Harry Potter fanfiction. And believes it. Chaos ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, grinned delightedly at the silver laptop resting on his desk. He had received it as a gift from his granddaughter, who had moved to America with her mother and settled down with a nice muggle man. His granddaughter, Bernice, had thought the computer might amuse, and entertain, her grandfather.

Albus had discovered the internet.

And he was addicted.

Now, some people might not think this is such a bad thing, but when a grown man starts spending 32 hours a day on the internet and is falling behind on his schoolwork... Well, it can cause some problems. For example, when the schedules got mixed up the fifth year Hogwarts students suddenly had Transfiguration at 9:00am, and Potions at 9:10am. It caused quite a bit of mayhem, and an angry Transfiguration teacher.

Albus turned on his computer, and since his new friend, Benjamin99, wasn't on, he decided to look at the new website Ben had suggested: fanfiction dot net.

What Albus discovered shocked, amazed, and horrified him. He was shocked at this thing called 'fanfiction' and that such a thing even existed, amazed at how popular the site seemed to be, and horrified that no one seemed to write any Xanth fictions. Were they all mad?

Then something caught his eye.

'Harry Potter'.

His first thoughts at seeing Harry's name were that he was shocked that Harry was an author on fanfiction dot net, or as he later found out it was called ffnet for short.

Naturally, Albus had to investigate further into this matter. He discovered Harry Potter stories. And a lot of weird theories. No one heard from Albus Dumbledore for days. He didn't come to breakfast, lunch, or dinner. He never showed up for the teachers' meetings. He wasn't answering his owl post (much to Fudge's consternation). And no one could get past the gargoyle, because he had changed his password and no one would guess it was 'computer'.

The whole student body was worried. The teachers were worried. Stories on what had happened to Professor Dumbledore were flying around like the bats on Halloween, each tale more wild than the next. There were murmurs of You-Know-Who and Dumbledore dueling at that very moment. That Dumbledore had runaway to Bermuda. That he had a horrible spell accident and was too ashamed to show his face. That Snape had finally done him in. No one came close to the true horrors that Albus was going through, locked up in his bright, and cheery office. And everyone would rue the day when Albus finally came out from behind that gargoyle...

\---------


	2. And So It Begins

It was about four weeks later when the school saw the headmaster next.

Albus came walking through the doors that led into the Great Hall the day after Halloween. The whole room fell silent and watched as the oddly grim-looking professor made his way up to the Head table and sat down at his chair. And they continued to stare as he dished himself some scrambled eggs, and speared some bacon. They watched as Albus filled his goblet with pumpkin juice, added something a little extra from a hidden pocket in his robes, and took a sip. They just stared as he started to eat his bacon and eggs, finished and stood. And they all watched as Albus slowly walked back out of the room.

Luckily, they saw him again at lunch. But like before, they only stared at him, as if he was telling some sort of fascinating story. Once again, Albus stood and walked out of the room without a word.

Then he arrived at dinner, and some of the sane few at Hogwarts managed to stop staring and actually eat something. Or maybe it wasn't really their sanity kicking in, but rather their stomachs making a loud protest; indeed it sounded like a grumbling orchestra, for barely anyone had eaten that day because they were too busy watching the fascinating creature known as Albus Dumbledore.

After dinner, Albus stood, but he didn't make a move to exit the room. Instead he cleared his voice, and the few who were eating stopped instantly.

"I have discovered some rather shocking information." His old, raspy voice rang out over the completely silent, completely curious room. "It seems that there are a few- affairs- going on at Hogwarts that I wasn't aware of. Indeed, it shocks and worries me. I will, of course, be looking into these stories and I'm sure everything will be sorted out shortly. I will not name names, you know who you are." At this point Albus narrowed his eyes suspiciously and glared around the room, but gradually he regained his composure. "I will see you all in the morning."

And he once again walked out of the room, but now everyone was whispering to each other, wondering what, or who, he was talking about.

The students would find out soon enough. Some students would even get firsthand experiences, and so would some of the teachers.

\-------

Albus paced the length of his office.

He had sent Professor McGonagall an owl asking her to meet him after breakfast the next day. She would be here any minute. He knew this would be difficult- almost painful- to tell her. She'd be heartbroken. Crushed.

There was a knock at the door. "Enter." Albus called.

Minerva McGonagall walked into the room, looking both worried and hopeful. "Is everything alright, Albus?"

"No, everything is not alright, Minerva. I have found out... Maybe you should sit down." Albus sighed and his shoulders slumped slightly, as if he had been put under a weight too great.

Professor McGonagall sat down in one of the plush chairs facing Albus' desk, perching on the edge as if afraid to relax. "Yes, Albus?"

Albus sat down next to her and rested his hand on her knee. "Minerva, I have found out... I've learned that you've been harboring a secret crush on me for the last several years."

"What?!" Minerva cried out in surprise. "Albus, where did you get that absurd-"

"I can't tell you my source of information. I must tell you, though, Minerva... I'm married." Albus told her gently.

"Albus! I know you're married! I was at your wedding, for Godric's sake!" Minerva glowered, "you don't actually believe this- this source over me?!"

Albus sighed, "I knew this would be difficult for you."

"Albus! Who fed you such- such-" Minerva started, but was interrupted.

Someone had knocked on the door.

Albus frowned slightly. His discussion with Hagrid wasn't scheduled until 11 o'clock. "Enter."

The door slid open and Snape stalked in. "Headmaster, I have rather urgent news for you-"

"Oh! Severus, my boy, I know why you're here!" Indeed, Albus suddenly felt enlightened. "I read all about it."

Snape faltered, "you did...? When? Where?!"

Albus smiled a mysterious smile. "Oh, I have my- sources. But you have nothing to fear. I wasn't stealing Minerva from you! Goodness, no. I was telling her we could never be. I think you two would make a splendid couple!"

Minerva and Severus had the same reaction, "WHAT?!"

Severus had gone white with shock, only to turn red with embarrassment and anger, "I'm NOT in love with Minerva, Albus! Where did you get that ridiculous idea?"

"And I'm not in love with Severus- wait, why's that such a ridiculous idea?!" Minerva turned suddenly to face Severus.

Snape stared at her in shock. "Oh..." He scowled then, "stop being a female, Minerva! We're completely incompatible, is all I was saying!" He growled.

Minerva glared at him, before she realized how immature she was acting. She sighed, "I apologize, Severus. I honestly don't know what's gotten into me."

Dumbledore frowned thoughtfully at Snape. "I suppose it makes sense. I didn't really understand why you would be boffing Harry if you were in love with Minerva." His frown became even more severe. "Which is something we really need to discuss Severus. You know very well that-"

Snape was starring at him in horror. "Bo-bof." He couldn't even say it. It was too terrible to even imagine. "I'm not! I wouldn't- with POTTER? ARE YOU INSANE?"

Albus shook his head. "It's alright Severus. There's no need to try hiding it. Most of my sources agree that's what's going on between the two of you. All that tension, it had to mean something, didn't it?"

"Yes!" Snape snarled. "It means we hate each other, Headmaster!"

Meanwhile, Minerva was looking back and forth between the two. She didn't want to believe Albus, and he'd already gotten two things wrong in one go, but it did make a sort of sense. "Severus, you didn't! Your aren't..?"

Snape scowled. "No."

The headmaster smiled gently. "It's alright, I told you. If you had let me finish earlier, Severus, you would've heard me say: you know very well that while student/teacher relationships are allowed as long as the student is at least sixteen, it is highly frowned upon, which is why I want you and Harry both to come to me on Wednesday to discuss things, though if everything is mutual I see no reason to stop your flourishing relationship."

The two teachers were gawking at him.

"Headmaster," Snape said slowly, "the only relationship I have with Potter is a teacher/student relationship."

Albus smiled jovially at him. "Of course Severus, of course. You and Harry will still be required to see me on Wednesday, but Minerva and I won't breathe are word about your relationship if that's the way you want it, will we Minerva?"

Minerva nodded faintly, feeling as if she'd just been run over by the Knight Bus.

Albus gave her a concerned look. "I do care for you a great deal, Minerva. You're a very dear friend to me, but I'm afraid we could never be more than that. I'm sorry, my dear. Will you be alright?"

She opened her mouth to try again to explain she wasn't in love with him, but just closed her mouth and nodded again. Finding her voice, she said, "I-I'll be fine, Albus. Don't worry about me."

Albus gave a sad smile as Minerva and Severus left the room.

"What was that all about?" Snape glared at the wall as they rode the moving stairs.

"I don't know." Minerva shared a look with Severus.

"Seems the Headmaster's finally gone around the bend." Snape muttered.

Minerva nodded vaguely. "Merlin knows, what's he going to do next?!"

Back in the Headmaster's office, Albus lovingly stroked his silver laptop. Where would he be without it?

\---------


	3. The Sword of Flame and Other Such Oddities

Albus cleared his throat and looked around the room. The other occupants fell silent. "I’ve called this meeting of the Order, because I’ve gotten plenty of intelligence we all need to sort through. See if any of it’s useful."

Severus stood from where he was leaning against the wall. "Speaking of intelligence, Headmaster, I’ve gotten what I think may be crucial information on the Dark Lord. That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier today, if you may recall my visit to your office. He is apparently planning-"

"Quite all right, Severus." Albus twinkled at him. "I know plenty of Voldemort’s nefarious plots. I also have learned of several solutions, which we must research as soon as possible. Now, where was I?"

Severus almost gaped at him (he was too dignified to completely gape at _anyone_ ) as Albus looked thoughtfully at some sort of weird silver box on his desk while absently popping a lemon drop into his mouth.

Albus looked up suddenly, eyes twinkling, "we must research some items. These things we’re looking for are very powerful, and will aid us in our war against Moldiewarts! The first thing is-"

An auror, a seasoned veteran by anyone’s standards, piped up, "Mo-moldiewarts, sir?" There was a lot of nervous shuffling of feet around the room. They all knew the headmaster had a penchant for saying He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s name, but wasn’t this nickname going above and beyond the call of alleviating fear?

Albus looked momentarily startled, a look that stunned most in the room, for it had never been seen on his face until this moment, before his twinkling came back full-force. "Ah, yes. I meant to say ‘Voldemort’. I meant to ease you all into joking about his name slowly, with names such as Voldiwart, and Snakeface. Alas, I see this will not be the case."

"S-sir," a witch stuttered. "It’s bad- erm, difficult enough for you to have us to say His name. No sane person, barring you, Headmaster, will _joke_ about it!"

Albus smiled at her, and everyone in the room, "really now, fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself. If we can joke about Moldie-pants’ name, he’ll have no power at all! I admit his appearance is a little disturbing at first, you all have seen the drawings of his new form, but if you think about it he really does look quite funny!" He looked around rather hopefully, searching for anyone who would at least somewhat agree.

No one would meet his gaze.

Minerva absently wondered if anyone dared look at him, would his puppy dog expression sucker someone in? Even as she thought it Minerva new someone had looked up at the old man, if the soft groan and halfhearted "of course, sir" was anything to go by.

People around the room peeked up towards the front of the room, where Albus stood beaming happily. Everyone in the room knew. Now that someone agreed with him on the subject Albus would never let the subject drop until he’d won.

Severus was glaring at the moron who’d looked at Albus. _Everyone_ knew not to look at the man when he wanted something!

"As I was saying, we must research," Albus glanced down at a piece of parchment on his desk, "the Sword of Flame, which is claimed to be able to sever any bonds, physical, emotional, or magical; the Soldier of Ice, which can defeat any opponent; I’d like our Ancient Runes teacher to look into the Time Rune, in case we must travel back in time, to meddle with Tom Riddle’s history to stop him, though I dearly hope it won’t come to something so drastic; the Cape of Beauxbatons, which supposedly keeps the wearer from being harmed in any capacity; the Serpent of Iron, with one bite it kills any enemy; and the Candle of the Dragon, an eternal flame which will eat the world unless handled by a pure virgin."

The headmaster finally noticed the stares being sent his way. "I’ve been bestowed a great gift, by being allowed to see possibilities, not only for the past, but for the present, and for the future." The wizard explained. "They’re more than possibilities as well. I’ve never seen things so clearly before." He beamed around the room again.

Someone slowly spoke up, "sir, I’m not sure any of those items even exist." There were a few mutters of ‘wouldn’t the dragon’s flame melt the wax of the candle?’ and ‘I’ve never heard of them...’ around the room.

"They’re hidden, as they should be. Magic can tuck away a great many things until the time has come when they’re needed." Albus explained. "I think that’s enough for one meeting, don’t you? You’ll get the standard message when the next meeting is called."

It was a dismissal, and an escape from the bizarre turn of events, but no one moved.

"Headmaster," Minerva tried, "if you’ve a problem, perhaps an addiction..? We’re all here for you. We’ll help you through this! You only have to reach out... To say the word..."

"Why, Minerva, that’s very sweet, and I’m honored you all would do such a thing for me, but I’m fine." Albus smiled gently, carefully picking out another two lemon drops.

A few people eyed the bag of candy suspiciously. Someone coughed.

"Well," Minerva searched for anything to say, "we’ll just be going then, shall we?"

Albus nodded cheerfully, giving everyone a small wave.

Right before the office door was pulled open he called out, "oh! One last thing. There’s this woman I wish to find. I only have her first name, her most common name really from what I can tell. She goes by many aliases, and has many appearances, she may well be a metamorphmagus..." He trailed off.

"Sir?" Someone prompted.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, her name is Mary Sue. If we could start a search for her? I believe her assistance would be quite useful in the defeat against Voldemort."

As the Order members exchanged confused looks and started filing out of the room, Albus sidled up next to Severus. "And don’t worry, Sev, we won’t allow Mary Sue to take Harry from you, the minx." Albus whispered.

Severus sighed, "Albus, Potter and I are not- what did you just call me?"

Albus looked sheepish. "Ah, yes, sorry my boy. I forget you only let Harry call you that." He patted the younger man on the back. "Pet name, is it? Maybe a kink thing?"

Snape went deathly white, "Potter has never called me _that_ , if he ever tries I will castrate him, student or no, Potter and I most definitely are not together, and this is not a conversation I wish to have with you, Headmaster."

Albus sighed, "I wish you would trust me more, Severus." By this time they were the only two left in the office, "and I was young once, and quite the experimenter if I do say so myself. I know plenty about all sorts of," he smiled cheerfully for the hundredth time, "sexual activities. Don’t be afraid to come to me for advice. I do enjoy helping out the odd couple here and there. Did I ever tell you about the time Minerva and her husband, her first husband, that is, needed-"

He really didn’t need to hear this. Wasn’t he scarred enough for one lifetime? Apparently not. "I don’t believe you did, Headmaster, and as much as I would love to hear this story, I’ve potions to attend to." Snape fled. He ran all the way back to his dungeons. Though later when anyone tried to ask, he denied all knowledge of the occurrence and crushed his desire to obliviate them.

\-------


	4. The Talk

Harry settled nervously into one of the headmaster’s comfortable armchairs. Try as he might, Harry couldn’t stop wondering about the rumors seeping through the Hogwarts grapevine: that Dumbledore had finally gone off his rocker; there were a few screws loose; the lights were on but nobody was home; he was finally a few sandwiches short of picnic; he wasn’t playing with a full deck of cards; his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

Of course those were only a few prime examples of the phrases flying across the school faster than a Firebolt.

Dumbled- _Headmaster_ Dumbledore (Harry still wasn’t sure whether the old coot could read his mind or not. He _had_ eventually mastered Occlumency, but he still wondered...) had summoned Harry to a meeting, about what Harry hadn’t the faintest. All he knew was that Snape, of all people, was a part of it. Ron thought maybe ‘the greasy old git’ was trying to get him expelled again. Harry only wished that was the reason, but his gut told him it was worse. Much worse.

The door slid open and Harry watched as Snape skulked into the room, his normally unfathomable expression saying that he’d rather be _anywhere_ than where he was at the moment. Even under Voldemort’s wand, being given the cruciatus curse would be better than this meeting, his face clearly stated.

Much, much worse.

Harry sunk into his chair, wishing the night was already done with. Nothing good could come of _that_ expression.

Snape nodded curtly at him. "Potter."

"Professor." Harry muttered, and watched as the man carefully sat himself down and conjured a tea service.

"Would you like some, Potter? It’s Masala Chai." Snape set a filled cup in front of him.

"Er, thanks." He eyed it. He checked it discreetly. It wasn’t poisoned.

The man was being civil, for Merlin’s sake! Harry considered making a run for it. Nothing was worth this bizarre reality he had stepped into, where Snape was vaguely nice and Dumbledore had lost whatever grip on sanity he had left... OK, that last one wasn’t all that bizarre, but a nice Snape was nothing to scoff at! Something was seriously wrong.

God, was he _dying_? Were they shipping him off to Voldemort in a trade for peace? Was this their idea of a kiss-off? Oh fuck, he didn’t get anyone pregnant, did he? Harry’s mind made a mad dash through his memories. He hadn’t slept with anyone recently! Except, there was that one drunken night...

Dumbledore entered the room through a backdoor Harry had never noticed before. "Oh, good! You’re both here. We can jump straight to the heart of things then!" He clapped his hands together excitedly. "First off, is there anything you two would like to tell me?" Twinkling eyes looked from student to teacher and back again.

Harry opened his mouth, about to blurt out something largely stupid and entirely too embarrassing about _that **one** night_ but Snape spoke first. Harry never thought he’d be grateful to Snape, biased, unfair arse that the man was.

"Headmaster, I will say for the final time that Potter and myself in no way have a sexual or romantic relationship. We have a student/teacher relationship, which is barely functioning itself. Considering these facts, I think this meeting can be adjourned." Snape said. He started to rise, but Albus was shaking his head.

"No, no, my dear boy. I’m afraid this is something we must discuss. I would be remiss in my duties if we didn’t."

Harry sat in a daze, amazed at what he’d been about to reveal, before the present conversation sunk in. "Snape? Sexual relationship? What the _hell_?" He looked from one man to the other. Dumbledore just sat there, smiling encouragingly while digging around in a drawer for his bag of lemon drops. Snape was staring straight ahead, and, to Harry’s shock (which seemed to be happening a lot lately), looked somewhat red.

Harry turned away from the fascinating sight of Snape blushing to stare at the ever infuriating headmaster of Hogwarts. "I am not in any sort of relationship with Snape! What in Merlin’s name would give you that idea!" Much to Harry’s shame his voice rose rather high by the end of his sentence. At least none of his friends or, god forbid, Malfoy and his goons, were here to hear him screech.

"I know neither of you want go public with this." Albus said soothingly. "I completely understand, and I’ll support your decision, but Harry," His expression turned grim, "I have to be one hundred percent sure that this is a consensual relationship."

"What! NO!" Harry jumped up from the chair. "We. Are. Not. Da- We’re not. You know." Harry blushed a bright red. "We’re not... Da-dat...Dating."

"You see, Headmaster?" Snape put in swiftly. "Both Potter and I have now told you, we’re not together. At all. In any way, shape, or form."

Dumbledore sighed, "if this is about Draco-"

"What’s Malfoy got to do with this?" Harry demanded.

At the same time Snape spoke, eyes narrowing. "WHAT about Draco?"

"I know you two may be having a few difficulties, because of Harry’s lust for Draco." Albus explained delicately. "I don’t say this to cause problems for either of you, but if you need a relationship councilor, my daughter’s father-in-law’s third cousin-twice-removed has a very good one I’ve been told."

Snape stared in shock before a smirk start tugging at his mouth. "Yes, Potter? What about your unrequited lust for Mr. Malfoy?"

Harry stared at him in horror. "I am not in lust with Malfoy! That’s _disgusting!_ "

"Your choices in men have surprised me as well, I must admit." Albus said. "Really Harry, it leaves me quite concerned! After all of the horrible things they’ve both put you through, no offense Severus, I don’t quite understand how you could be attracted to them. It does make me wonder if you don’t have a bit of a masochistic streak..."

"Perhaps this can be easily cleared up." Harry sounded far too patient to be in any right state of mind. "You’ve no need to be concerned, because I, non-masochist that I am. Am. Not. In. Lust. With. Draco. Bloody. Malfoy. Or. Snape! Or _any_ thrice-cursed Slytherin!"

"Watch it, Potter." Snape snarled at him.

The headmaster didn’t seem to hear any of this as he muttered softly to himself. Something about Harry, Severus, Lucius Malfoy, and his serpent cane that left both of his guests flushed red, shifting uncomfortably and looking at anything but the other occupants of the room.

"Though I suppose perhaps some of my sources could be wrong..?" Albus trailed off with a concerned thoughtfulness. "Well! Never mind that. Now that we’ve established you’re a consensual, if rather private, couple, there is one more concern of mine.

He gave them a serious look over the rim of his glasses. "You _are_ using contraceptives, are you not?"

Harry had been hoping that maybe, just _maybe_ , they had gotten through the worst of it. He hated being wrong. Though it was amusing to watch Snape turn red twice in one hour.

"Albus." Snape said. "We are not using contraceptives, because we’re not dating, let alone having-" Snape grimaced, "Sex."

"Ah, yes, of course." Albus chuckled as he rose from his seat, gathering a box into his arms. "You two just take these little gifts from your old uncle Albie then." The headmaster proceeded to shove the box into Snape’s arms.

Harry, out of some twisted, morbid sense of curiosity, pulled an item from the box. It was a ribbed-for-pleasure, strawberry flavored condom. He dropped it as if it burned. Harry knew  
he’d never eat strawberries again; he wasn’t even sure he’d be able to _look_ at them without becoming ill.

Snape’s fingers were clutched at the box hard enough to gouge through the cardboard. "Headmaster-"

"I know how uncomfortable it must be to get this sort of thing from a man who’s practically your grandfather, but I really must insist." Albus told them. "I just want to make sure neither of you get pregnant. Raising a child in this atmosphere would be quite difficult, and I’m just not sure your relationship is ready for a baby."

They both gave him strange looks. Over the course of the meeting the situation had traveled from alternate-universe bizarre to the utterly insane, whereas now it had just taken a nosedive for impossible in _any_ corner of the galaxy with a side order of hellish imagery.

"Professor," Harry said carefully, "a man can’t get another man pregnant. They just don’t have the right equipment. It’s impossible- even in the wizarding world!"

"Yes, yes, I’ve heard the theory." Dumbledore waved him off. "However there is new evidence that male pregnancy is very possible, and even a common affair! Best to be safe rather than sorry."

Harry and Snape exchanged looks. They shared an entire conversation in that one glance. It was time to work together if only so they could get themselves out of the headmaster’s steel-like grasp.

"Ah, yes. Thank you, Headmaster. If you’ll excuse us though? I have a potion needing attention, and Merlin knows Pott- er, Harry could work a little harder on his schoolwork."

"Right, thank you for this _lovely_ chat, Professor. We really should be going." It was a suicidal move, but at this point Harry didn’t care, he grabbed Snape’s arm and started tugging him toward the door. Snape allowed himself to be dragged without a single glare sent Harry’s way; Harry couldn’t help but think Snape was probably as disturbed as he was.

Albus beamed at them, "Of course! There’s no need to keep you busy young men now that we’ve had our talk! Just remember to use those condoms, and if you ever need to talk-"

"Right!" Harry said. "Understood! Goodnight, Professor! See you at breakfast!" He pulled them through the door and down the moving staircase, not even stopping to breathe a sigh of relief as the office door snicked shut.

"That man’s lost it!" Harry muttered.

"Quite so, Mr. Potter." Snape said. "Now if you would kindly remove your hand from my arm?"

Harry quickly dropped the appendage. "Sorry. If I may ask, Professor. What’re you going to do with those?" He nodded towards the box Snape was still carrying.

"As much as I’m sure you and your little friends would love these, Potter, I plan on using the usable rubber in potions, and destroying the rest." Snape snapped.

Harry nodded, "good idea. Don’t think I could ever use those without throwing up anyway."

Snape gave him a look that Harry could almost call amusement. "It’s after curfew, Potter. I suggest you return to your common room before I take points off."

"Yes, sir. G’night." Harry said. "Sir?"

"What, Potter?"

"Um, if the headmaster ever calls the both of us to a meeting again, could you just poison me or something? It’d be a far better fate than another one of those, um, discussions."

"I’ll keep the option in mind." Snape smirked. "Oh, and Potter? Ten points from Gryffindor for insulting a teacher."

Harry cursed softly.

"And another five for swearing."

\---------


	5. In Which Fluorescent Pink Robes Make a Guest Appearance

Dumbledore rose from his seat, gently tapping his goblet with a spoon to call the room to attention. "I would like to make an announcement. Is everyone present? Everyone is here? Good." He twinkled.

"I’ve heard some... Controversy and debate on my... Intentions.

"To say the least these allegations have concerned me. I feel these misconceptions need to be cleared up before they get blown out of proportion even more so than they already have. If you would all look to my left?"

The students watched as Dumbledore conjured an image of- Dumbledore.

"Now please look to my right."

A second image of Dumbledore appeared.

"Now as you can clearly see, the image on my right is the image of a _good_ Dumbledore, while the image on my left is of an _evil, mean_ Dumbledore.

"As you can also clearly see, I most resemble the right image, not the left image." He beamed around the room. "I want you all to understand, the welfare of the students, and indeed the wizarding world, has always come first for me.

"I hope this has cleared things up. Thank you for your patience!" Dumbledore settled himself back in his seat, dishing up a serving of treacle tart.

The students exchanged confused looks and muttered softly to each other as they filed out of the Great Hall, completely forgetting about dessert. The two images the headmaster had conjured looked identical, from their flamboyant robes and their blindingly white beards right down to their vaguely pointy shoes.

Draco gave derisive snort. "That old fool has finally lost it. Just wait until I write my father about this!"

"But Draco, he’s the headmaster." Crabbe muttered.

"Your point?" Draco snapped. He sighed. "Haven’t we had this argument a hundred times by now?"

"Er, I think so." Crabbe said.

Draco sighed, rubbing his forehead. "What a pathetic story our lives have become."

"Huh?" Goyle frowned in thought. "We’re a story?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "It’s metaphorical, Greg."

He received a blank look.

"A metaphor about our lives. Like the story, the _lives_ , the three Fates spin."

Now both of his goons were giving him confused looks. "You know, the _Fates?_ The Fates of Greek mythology?"

Draco swore their blank stares only intensified, if that was even possible. "Do you two even know what a metaphor is?"

"Isn’t that a dish at dinner?" Greg asked.

"Oh, for the love of- Just forget it." Draco snarled, snapping out the password to their common room. "Great, now I’ve got a migraine for my efforts." Why was he always surrounded by idiots? He made a mental note to look for new friends.

\-------

"You boys have a seat. Would you like some tea? A lemon drop perhaps?" Albus puttered around his office.

"No-" George said.

"-thank you-" Fred added.

"-Headmaster." George finished.

The twins exchanged looks. They both knew the risk of taking candy from other people- after all they _were_ the masters of prank food- but the risk was doubly dangerous where the headmaster was concerned. They were _sure_ he put _something_ in his food...

"Are you quite sure?" The headmaster smiled encouragingly.

"Yes, sir."

"We’ve brought-"

"-our own-"

"-snacks."

"Yes, yes, of course you did!" He settled himself behind his desk. "How has your business been doing?"

"Fine, sir." Fred said.

"May we ask," George said.

"-why we’re here-"

"-Sir." They both chorused.

Albus chuckled, "all in due time, Messrs Weasley. How have your Cackling Cookies been selling? I must say I found them quite ingenious and wouldn’t mind ordering some for the teacher meetings."

"Of course, sir." George said.

"But we-" Fred began.

"-must really get-"

"-back to the-"

"-shop."

"We left it-"

"-in the questionable-"

"-hands of-"

"-one clerk."

Albus sighed and slumped in his chair, suddenly looking decades older, which the twins had to admit was quite impressive considering the headmaster’s age. Albus shook his head sadly. "Where did I go wrong?"

"Er... Headmaster?" Fred asked uncertainly. The twins traded looks again. Ginny had written them earlier that week that the beloved Headmaster of Hogwarts and Defeater of Grindelwald was acting peculiar.

‘Peculiar’ in the Weasley family meaning barmier than a tap dancing hedgehog.

Albus gave them a Look. Neither twin was entirely sure what that Look meant, except that it probably spelled bad news- or rather Bad News.

The headmaster gave another heavy sigh, turning his gaze to study his desk, and consequently what appeared to be a brand new set of fluorescent pink robes. "I only wish I had been aware of the goings-on. Maybe I could have helped... Steered you away from the immoral path you were heading down."

George nodded towards the door while Dumbledore wasn’t looking. Fred slowly rose from his seat and started edging closer to the door while George snuck towards Fawkes. If they timed this just right they could-

"Why don’t you two return to your seats?" There was bit more cheer in the old man’s voice once again. "We do have plenty to discuss, and I think this conversation should be done face-to-face."

They returned to their seats with looks of dread plastered onto their faces. If Ginny’s letter was bad, _Harry’s_ had been horrendous. They were both pretty sure the boy was scarred for life. Fred and George would have flooed in to soothe his fragile nerves, if they hadn’t been laughing so hard.

Now that the proverbial shoe was on the other foot, _their_ foot- er, feet, it wasn’t all that funny.

Albus clasped his hands together and leaned forward. "I know about your incestuous tendencies."

"Excuse me?" George said. Fred was too stunned to speak.

The headmaster sighed and shook his head, "You don’t need to hide this from me! I’m here to help. I will do all I can to get you two past this."

"Si-sir..." Fred trailed off, sending a helpless look to his brother.

"We’re not like _that_ , sir." George said. Fred nodded emphatically behind him. "Fred’s going steady with Angelina!" The identical head behind George’s seat bobbed even faster.

Albus smiled and nodded. "Yes, your cover story I know..." He gave them a thoughtful look. "I’ve been thinking, it would be best if you two didn’t see each other for awhile."

" _SIR!_ " George yelled. "Are you out of your BLEEDIN’ MIND? We OWN a shop **TOGETHER** , for CIRCE’S SAKE!"

Albus hid his backpedaling behind a smile, "Only for awhile! I think it’s _necessary_ that you two spend time apart. Gain interests the other doesn’t have. We’ll start out small, only a few days apart to begin with."

Fred seemed to finally pull himself together, or lose it completely. George wasn’t entirely sure which. "WE’RE BOTH DATING **_OTHER_** _PEOPLE!_ FOR GOD’S SAKE MAN, GEORGE’S IN LOVE WITH HAR-"

George slammed his elbow into his brother’s gut. "Ixnay on the ecretsay!"

Albus was twinkling madly at them.

A knock sounded around the room before the office door banged open, causing the three men to turn their heads towards the door and causing the twins to send up prayers to whatever gods were listening.

"Ah, Mr. Malfoy, Draco! Good evening." Albus rose from his desk. "Won’t you two please wait one moment? I just have to conclude this mee-"

"That’s not necessary!" Fred almost yelled. "We were just going. The shop needs our attention, don’t you know." He sent a halfhearted glare towards the Malfoys, but the headmaster had drained all joy out of everything, leaving only a strong desire to drink himself into a stupor.

As the twins quickly filed past the two blondes George leaned towards Lucius Malfoy and whispered a soft "good luck."

"Dumbledore, you’ve finally gone off your rocker," Lucius snapped as soon as the door closed. "I don’t know how you think you can prance around this respected school with complete disregard to the centuries-old rules and think you can get away with it-"

Albus bowled right over him, "Yes, yes. I’m glad you could make it, Lucius, I know what a busy schedule you have." The headmaster ushered his new guests to two seats before returning to his desk. "There are several important matters I wish to discuss with the both of you today.

"Would either of you care for some tea? Lemon drops?" A candy dish was innocently nudged forward.

"What are-" Lucius sighed, squashing the urge to rub his temples. "No, thank you, Headmaster Dumbledore." Lucius exchanged looks with his son. Neither of them were interested in gambling with their lives; After all, _everyone_ knew Dumbledore put _something_ in his food.

Albus shrugged and twinkled at them as he made a cup of tea for himself.

"Why are we here, Headmaster?" Draco finally asked. While he was sure his father didn’t want to cave in first, Draco wasn’t particularly interested in sitting around waiting for Merlin knows how long for Dumbledore to get on with things.

Dumbledore looked sadly from one Malfoy to the other. "I’m concerned about your family life, Draco."

Draco gave him a blank look.

"About your parents’ treatment of you." Albus clarified.

Draco continued to stare blankly. "My home life is quite comfortable, thankyou."

The headmaster sighed. "It is my impression that you, Lucius, may have some anger problems, that you wrongly take out on your son."

Lucius had quickly become incensed from the start of the meeting, since before the start of the meeting really, and he was trying very hard to hold on to his temper. This was ridiculous! How dare this, this- this _muggle-loving fool_ accuse him of _abusing his son!_ Of all the _absurd_ things!

Steely eyes snapped with anger as Lucius glared across the desk. "I do not abuse my son, Dumbledore. If you ever insinuate such a thing _ever_ again-"

"Now, Lucius, I didn’t bring this up to upset you." Albus soothed. "I’m merely saying that I think you two have some issues and they need to be resolved. If the abuse wasn’t bad enough, how you two could have a sexual relationship-!"

Draco started coughing out of nowhere.

Lucius rose slowly from his seat, fury radiating from every pore. "That is the most twisted, disgusting, vile, _sickening, detestable **thing I’ve EVER HEARD!**_ I swear it Dumbledore, this is the end for you. Your vague attempt at sanity was hanging by a thread before, but now... I’ll have you off of Hogwarts property before the week is out." Lucius snarled. "Come, Draco. Stay away from my son, you old fool." The office door was nearly torn from its hinges as Lucius stormed out with Draco, cough now turned into a full-blown hack, close behind.

Albus stared at the open door sadly, softly muttering to himself, "I didn’t even get the chance to ask Lucius if he wished to spy for the Light..."

\---------


End file.
